- Volunteer with animals
- Do more stenciling
- Don’t go more than 3 days without reading for fun
- Stretch once a day
- Smile at people when you walk by them instead of looking anywhere but their eyes
- Drink healthy smoothies
- Listen to music I haven’t heard of
- Do yoga consistently
- Rock climb with the same consistency
- Try out Jiu-Jitsu
- Take more photos
- Get denied at least once a week
- Try to meditate every once and a while
- Go to bed on time (whoops)
- Above all - avoid complacency
So this is me attempting to be a mature adult and process my thoughts. I’m banking on the idea that just writing anything down is better than nothing.
I broke up with my girlfriend of approximately 2 years today. It’s right but it’s sad. I really wanted to say it’s sad, but it’s right. Not sure what that says about my psyche if that’s my preference.
I’ve been in a constant stage of transition for the past three months and this sort of exacerbates the situation. I think this time it’s for real though and the fact that I’m already feeling that is probably a good sign.
I’ll give in to self loathing for 24 hours though since that will probably help me shut up about it sooner rather than later. I’m supposed to have some sort of grand insight but I feel shell shocked more than introspective (although I suppose this post would suggest otherwise)
This is what happens with adulthood. People’s lives take them elsewhere. There’s no grand fight or quiet disappearance. Sure we dragged our feet, but we’re all prone to settling to avoid pain.
Am I naive for being sure I want someone in my long term plan? Am I just prone to influence from my upbringing and a stable family structure? Is this real or have I just been nurtured this way?
I think I feel it. Like a feel a few things in life. I feel like I want to make my life meaningful. I feel like animals are what make me want to get out of bed. I feel like I don’t want to be mature. I want to whine and bitch and kick dirt and shrug.
But I think deep down I want someone eventually. However, I’m not going to commit to anything just yet. I guess I should just go with what feels right while I feel some conviction and see where that brings me. Aim fire and maybe one day I’ll be ready.
We have different trajectories which makes sense considering we’re both loose cannons.
I guess I’m just another one of your poems now.
I have lived a beyond privileged life. Money has never been a real issue for me and I’m a white male with just about everything going for me. I feel guilty. Overwhelming guilt at my ungratefulness for life. I could do just about anything i wanted to and yet the only thing that sounds appealing is death. I just can’t process life anymore. I’m so tired of it. My brain won’t stop running. Around and round. My thoughts never fucking stop. I can’t figure out who I am anymore.
I’m supposed to grow the fuck up and be an adult. Everyone expects me to do something. I expect me to do something. But i have no idea what. Auto pilot is just going to put me back into university and finish my degree with a fake smile. Then i’m supposed to be a good boy and get some bullshit 9-5 job have a family and fucking die. I know I don’t want that, but i don’t know what I do want.
I just wish it was okay not to know. Of course it’s okay not to know everyone says. You’ll figure it out don’t worry. It will come to you they say. Its fucking bullshit, all of it. Every single person who says that is already completely enveloped in a straight forward traditional lifestyle. Does anyone really figure out what they are supposed to do? I’m sure some people do, but everyone I’ve talked to has already settled into complacency.
Everyone thinks in context of “grow up and settle down”. Everyone says to just “get it out of your system”. What if it’s supposed to be there? What if it’s in our system for a reason? No one has actually bothered to go out and REALLY commit their lives to something besides what society expects of them. How many people actually “get away from all of this” like they talk about?
We all had such grand ideas and we fucking settled. Everyone in my life fucking settled. Settled on a house. Settled on a job. Settled on spouse. All we do is settle because no one has the courage to leave the lives they know behind.
I’m just another one of us. My life is on a straight forward track to settling just like every person I know. The only way i can be sure I don’t follow suit is to die. I don’t believe in myself enough to get out of settling. So dying seems like a better option. At least that way I can maintain some shred of dignity.
You can’t settle for complacency if you’re dead.