I have lived a beyond privileged life. Money has never been a real issue for me and I’m a white male with just about everything going for me. I feel guilty. Overwhelming guilt at my ungratefulness for life. I could do just about anything i wanted to and yet the only thing that sounds appealing is death. I just can’t process life anymore. I’m so tired of it. My brain won’t stop running. Around and round. My thoughts never fucking stop. I can’t figure out who I am anymore.
I’m supposed to grow the fuck up and be an adult. Everyone expects me to do something. I expect me to do something. But i have no idea what. Auto pilot is just going to put me back into university and finish my degree with a fake smile. Then i’m supposed to be a good boy and get some bullshit 9-5 job have a family and fucking die. I know I don’t want that, but i don’t know what I do want.
I just wish it was okay not to know. Of course it’s okay not to know everyone says. You’ll figure it out don’t worry. It will come to you they say. Its fucking bullshit, all of it. Every single person who says that is already completely enveloped in a straight forward traditional lifestyle. Does anyone really figure out what they are supposed to do? I’m sure some people do, but everyone I’ve talked to has already settled into complacency.
Everyone thinks in context of “grow up and settle down”. Everyone says to just “get it out of your system”. What if it’s supposed to be there? What if it’s in our system for a reason? No one has actually bothered to go out and REALLY commit their lives to something besides what society expects of them. How many people actually “get away from all of this” like they talk about?
We all had such grand ideas and we fucking settled. Everyone in my life fucking settled. Settled on a house. Settled on a job. Settled on spouse. All we do is settle because no one has the courage to leave the lives they know behind.
I’m just another one of us. My life is on a straight forward track to settling just like every person I know. The only way i can be sure I don’t follow suit is to die. I don’t believe in myself enough to get out of settling. So dying seems like a better option. At least that way I can maintain some shred of dignity.
You can’t settle for complacency if you’re dead.